i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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