I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
