Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
