I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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