I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
