True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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