Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
