My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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