i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
