grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
