You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is Oprah even human
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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