guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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