i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
