Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
