grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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