I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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