sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
