just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
