Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
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