Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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