I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
