my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
