i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
