there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
