I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Randomize
