He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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