I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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