Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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