yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
