i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
