if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
