I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
