I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
