I think I won the penis lottery.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
