She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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