We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
