We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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