we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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