Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
