I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
