is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
