he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it's like iHOP with fire
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
