My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
