If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Girls should come with a carfax report
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
