God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
