I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
