I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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