apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
