I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
