non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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